It all started when G got a call about attending a fitness training program in Bangkok. As we were talking about it, we said “Phuket! Let’s go to Phuket!
I remember a guy who used to work for us a long time ago. For some strange reason known only to him, he had his Fs and Ps interchanged – that is, he pronounced all his Fs as Ps and Ps as Fs. It was not like he had trouble with his enunciation because he could make both the sounds perfectly. It was just that he got it reversed. When he was around, it was pretty common to hear things like “It’s hot, turn on the pan”, or “I flucked this plower from that flant” or sometimes even “I need to fee”. I imagine that the guy who named Phuket must have had a similar problem.
This is going to be the first time that Cal is going to stay this long on his own but he seems up to it. I give him the added chore of starting each car in turn once a day to keep the batteries alive and he is excited about this. I just hope he doesn’t also decide to take a drive around the block.
The day finally arrives. Our new neighbor visits with us and helps send us off to the airport with a bottle of wine. The airport café beckons and we settle down. The little woman looks around and decides that she wants what the couple at the next table is having. We try to figure it out on the Menu but with no luck. We finally call our waiter over and ask him. “I don’t know” he responds. “Looks like they brought it from home”.
The flight to Bangkok is short and Thai air serves some tasty food. We have to endure a long wait at the airport to get the Visa before we take another short flight to Phuket. We land to some awesome sunshine and what seems like fifty thousand taxi drivers and their agents clamoring for attention. We decide to take the mini bus. Big mistake! The mini bus waits at the airport until it is full and then it makes a stop mid way where we are all herded into a room and assigned to travel agents who try and plan our holiday for us.
We finally arrive at the Millenium which is a five star rip off. I would strongly recommend that no one ever stays at this hotel. They do not have the room we reserved, but have a bigger room which will cost us 5000 Baht to upgrade. My card is gets swiped multiple times and every time the girl at the desk smiles sweetly and pretends not to understand what we say. Our upgraded room has a view of the pool, she says. True, the new room does have a view of the pool but it is dubious if this can be considered an upgrade. If one expected to find a bevy of bathing beauties, one is sorely mistaken. What one finds in reality is a bunch of mangy old dogs accompanied by what at first sight seems to be their granddaughters. At first sight - closer inspection finds that their relationship is not so platonic. Aww aww awww Phuket! 
A walk down the street and the first foot massage. It is heavenly and what’s more, it’s cheap – about USD10 for whatever massage you want. Hold your horses, ye of dirty minds – by whatever, I mean, foot, head & shoulders or full body!
I learn how to say Thank You in Thai. “Kab Kun Ka for girl”, the girl with the batting eyelashes tells us and “Kab Kun Kraap for boy”. That’s easy enough. “Kab Kun Ka” I tell all the waitresses; “Kab Kun Kraap” they answer back. “Kab Kun Ka” I say again. Kab Kun Kraap” they repeat, looking at me like I am a moron. It takes us three days to figure out that the difference in what you say is based on who is saying it and not who it is being said to; it depends on the thanker and not the thankee. So I am supposed to say “Kab Kun Kraap” since I am a guy and that is what all the waitresses have been correcting me on.
We head on to the beach with its tranquil waters and numerous street vendors. The evening finds us in Bangla street which is the hub of the night life. We settle down at a bar with a street view and watch the world go by. It seems to me that the people of Phuket are multi tasking to the extreme. At any point on the street you can simultaneously hear at least four live bands belting out 70s and 80s music. Apparently, the Thai can process different sounds with each ear and different parts of their body can to dance to different beats. A couple of bands are pretty good and all the music is familiar. The bar is a literal melting pot of different nationalities and we meet all kinds – German, Italian, Russian, Malaysian and a few more East European countries whose names I cannot pronounce.
There is an old Norwegian turtle sitting next to us. At least he looks like the proverbial turtle on the post – he’s sitting up there seeing all, doesn’t know how he got there and can’t do anything about it. He knows all the street sellers and the waitresses around and all of them stop by to say Hi. He reinforces my belief that there is some good in each of us by introducing me to Sang Som Soda. It’s a local rum that’s sometimes called Thai whiskey. It’s awesome and becomes my signature drink for the rest of the trip. I even buy a couple of bottles to carry back.A bunch of lady boys take over the street, offering to pose for photographs for a price. One strong looking gentleman poses for the picture and decides to walk off and the beautiful lady boy that he tried to gyp takes him on and shows him that she’s got more b than him. He coughs up in the end.
The street is full of touts trying to sell us a variety of shows. Some of them even have lists printed out. Ping Pong balls, Bananas, and various other everyday items figure on the menu. What they do with these aforesaid items cannot be described here as this is a children friendly blog but I am sure that you can make intelligent guesses.There is a street vendor at the end at the street who makes the best burgers in the world. We meet a friendly Russian couple there and I try out my language skills - “Privet” and “Grasierva” – and they are impressed. The food here is simply fantastic. Surprisingly, they have great bakery products too. I think they make the best Danish in the world! We meet Lolli who runs a small guest house with his family and he introduces us to Mia, the best coffee girl in Phuket. We decide to test his claims and find that she does indeed make the best coffee. We return to the coffee shop repeatedly; it’s right next door to the massage place, after all. We like Lolli’s guest house – we have decided that we will stay there we return!
There is also a total lack of animosity that is like a breath of fresh air. People try to sell you stuff all the time, but if you refuse, they just smile and walk away. Nobody honks even when someone is very obviously blocking the street. In our whole trip, we didn’t once encounter anyone who was angry at anybody else. That’s quite a change from the life we are used to.
Bangkok is slightly different. It has a big city feel as compared to Phuket’s small town atmosphere. The shopping is endless and everything can be bargained for. We realize that after getting the worst of a few encounters. The vendors can’t speak much English, so they all have a calculator that they punch figures on to show you what things cost. All price ranges are available and I see a hookah that I like. How much, I ask him. He pulls out his calculator and punches in 850. I snort at him, grab the calculator from him and punch in 100. He is outraged and gestures wildly, speechless at my audacity. We settle on 200 and both of us are happy in the end.
It’s finally time to head back and we get to the airport. We are browsing through the duty free and a girl suddenly walks up to Geetha and asks her how much the Johnny Walker costs. “I am not quite sure” she replies. “We give you a bag free if you buy three Chivas at regular price” I tell her, parroting what the sales girl had told us a few minutes ago. The girl suddenly decides that she has to be someplace else in a hurry and disappears. The salesgirl frowns at us from across the aisle for chasing away her customers and we end up buying the three Chivas in the free bag. Not for the Chivas, of course – It’s a nice bag!
We are finally home and though it was a great holiday, it feels great to be back. We need a few weeks to recover before we venture out again! A song plays in my head which pretty much sums it all :
One night in Bangkok makes a hard man humble
Not much between despair and ecstasy
One night in Bangkok and the tough guys tumble
Can’t be too careful with your company
I can feel the devil walking next to me.
One night in Bangkok and the world’s your oyster
The bars are temples but the pearls ain’t free
You’ll find a God in every cloister
And if you’re lucky then your God’s a she
I can feel an angel sliding next to me
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